“Never attempt to dry a pet in the oven.” That was a statement in the instruction manual for my new oven, and it cracked me up. Do we now have instruction manuals rather than parents? It’s hard to fathom the number of questions that statement raises.

Thinking it hilarious that an instruction manual needed to spell out something so self-evident, I shared it with my friend. When her laughter subsided, she told me there is indeed a why behind it—because people do things like that. And that’s when she shared the story of Ocean, the budgie.

Decades ago, my friend and her husband lived in a remote northern Ontario community. While several of their friends went south for a few weeks’ vacation, they became the pet minders. Although somewhat nervous about their role, they were relieved when all their charges survived their “camp” experience. So far, so good.

It was, however, when Ocean arrived home that things went wrong. Its owner accidentally knocked over the cage before entering the house, and the wire door popped open. Ocean took advantage of that invitation to freedom, and the tropical bird escaped into the frigid north. Two days later, someone spotted it resting on a fence at the ball diamond. The owner rescued the hypothermic feathered creature and bundled it off to give it some tender loving care.

In an attempt to administer that TLC, Ocean’s keeper had a brilliant idea. He heated the oven and placed the shivering unfortunate in its cage on the open door to warm up. Sadly, Ocean didn’t survive to bask in the memory of its glorious, albeit ill-advised, dash for freedom. All for want of a manual like mine with specific instructions.

There is, however, another tidbit of wisdom my oven’s instruction manual imparts. It reads, “Do not allow children to crawl into the oven.” Some people question the value of reading scary fairy tales to their children. If our society shared the collective knowledge of Hansel and Gretel, would that warning be necessary?

Having encountered such entertaining reading, I wondered what gems were hiding in my other instruction manuals. Here are some direct quotes of things you should not try at home:

• Mini Carpet Shampooer: Do not expose to rain.
• Hand-Held Stick Blender: Check work bowl for presence of foreign objects before using.
• Blender: A scraper may be used but only when blender is not running.
• Blender: Always operate blender with cover in place. (I have witnessed the exciting consequences of disregarding this instruction.)

And now for the truly unfathomable information contained in my digital scale’s manual:

“Due to continuous improvements, this product is subject to change without notice. Product appearance, color, if changes, are according to the real object.”

It’s hard to imagine how the digital scale on my counter could shapeshift or change colour as a result of an improvement by an outside force. 

A Swedish furniture company has long assumed people can follow complicated instructions without ending up with a collection of leftover pieces. The flaw in that assumption may have led to the development of clearer instruction manuals. Much clearer. They now include things Winnie the Pooh, the bear of very little brain, could understand.

But perhaps parents aren’t redundant after all. There might be a reason for those obvious directives. It lures you into thinking that without an engineering degree, you can actually operate an appliance’s multitude of “necessary” functions.